learning

i was wrong. Im at fault. Learning to change myself to a better person, else everyone will suffer. Im not good at all i knw, being pampered from young. 19yrs of living in this world, this is th first time i felt tat i have wasted my yrs and how fuckin lousy person im. Im not gonna be liddat anymore. Nt gonna make bb suffer. I wan her to be happy and nt act one happy when she's not, learning to speak with brains. And not my stupid brainless shit habit. That speak and hurts. Tryin my very best and i hope it worka. Not gonna meet for a day plus bcos i have things to attend to,work to do. i cannot expect us to stick together anymore. We must have our own free time for others.. Even thou its hurts, but i cant say anything, bcos my fault.. Ii shld be happy with what i gt nw. And not hope for so much. Not everyone is th same. Im going to bed nw. meeting kay and charmaine later on at 12plus.. Yawndss. Goodnight...

useless

nowadays using my fone to blog can killsss. Lol. I cried a jialat one today. Finally i burst again. And all i can say nw is sorry. Is th first time i see my dad cried bcos of me, im sorry to diisappoint em agn and agn. Sighs. Lucky bb is dere for me. A shlder for me to lean on. sighs. I dunno how to face my dad anymore. Im trying my best to get a job. And a new liife. I hope thy won b giving me pressure. Tmr work agn. I jus wanna work as many days as i cud . Trying nt to stick wit bb too much also. I love you dear. And no more nextyme treatin me kike this. Its hurting me so much ok. But overall i know u cares.. Sighs. Hope things wud goes smoothly....

Anyway im upset with bb going out to drink llaat night. But im all to blameeee. Im jus worried. No more nextyme ok. Loveyou always bb.. Muamuackkkks.

FUCK YOU

IF YOU THINK THIS IS ALL I WANT.
SO BE IT.

you wont know how im feeling now!
& you wont get to know what iim doing actually.
yes i always love you.
BUT YOU?

i knoe sumthing bad is happening.
always i can sense.

THANKS TO ALL MY NONSENSE!
ALL MY FAULT.!

YAH WHATEVER.
JUS FUCK IT ALL UP.

BYEBYEBYE

this is reality

im a joke' i think that im so retarded spammin at my own blog and fb. Bcos at this point of time i find nobody to talk to. Im not blamin bb at all. Bcos i noe u nvr say anythin. Is me that is thinking. And i understand th stated facts. Im sorry. But i know u need th time. U cannot be dere for me always. But nvm, i can stay alone. Im soo stupid. Jus like one idiot. Seriously. Hahahahahaha. I laugh like nobody businness. But actually i wanted to cry out so badly .... Im afraid, i wud start to torture myself agn.. Do u all ever think of what i really need and want in life''?? I think noone knoows...night

im hoping so much you wud stay

tell me if this is not what u want. Tell me if you don like, tell me what u actually wants. I can change for you. Willing to do anything, i swear.. Even if it hurts me a million times. But for you, im willing to. I guess im also th one thinkin too much now. Perhaps im making u pissed off. but from what i see, im th causes of everything. I hope when i give u th time u need, u really wud get a job. I can come to you when you need me, u can treat me like a trash, i don mind at all. Bcos i loveyou. Im learning to be alone when bb is nt with me. And i believe i can.... At times im feeling so useeless. Agrh.. Nighttt

its hurts me alot. But i accept it

this is hurting me alotalot. But i have to accept. Cus i believe you are right too..
Mayb is really not a good thing stickin together with each other everything..
Perhaps i shld spend more time with my girls and let u have th time u need,
When u need me im jus a call away..
I think i shld start to learn to be independent.
Not sticking with u all th time.. I try to accept all th facts. And i will keep myself occupy.. In th past, they says i have no time for them, and we broke up.. Den i changed. I started to spend more time with my partner.. But for you?? Why? I really dun understand.. But what i can do is to give u what u want.. I hope this is what u want.. Wiping off my tears and get bl to slp nw. Possible i will spend more time with my girls instead.. Let u have all th time u wan. When u are free den ,eet me alright. Don forget, i always love you. And i hope this won drift us apart.. Loveeees you always...

sicksick

im on mc for 2 days!
& my mc ends today!!!
so tmr i have to attend classes again!
but i have to catch up .
cus i lose 2 lesson le.
summore this is th last week & we are going to outlet liao!
sighs.
havent even prepared yet!
3 weeks can simply pass like this -.-''
SSHAG!

this 2 days was rotting at home
while bb came my hus in th morning to takecare of me.
den home at night.
today not only my bb came to takecare of me.
michelle, sheri, layping & clara came to my house at night to pei me too.
woohooo!
i loveeee squeeziiinnnnn thier black heads!
see liao so damn shiok!!!! ahahahs.
pain like f. i know!
hahahahhas

i din skip my medicine,
i ate it after food everyday!
but th more i rot at home, th more i wan to munch! sadddd

im going to bed real soon


yes, im worried.
veryvery worried.
if i were to ask you not to go will you listen?
yes, i know you wont.
whats th point.
all i can do is jus not to think too much.
hoping nth wud happen.
hoping you will still come back to me.
prove it to me. you wont.

i want you,
in my life, & only you that i all need!
when i really need u wud u be dere aanytime?
wud u give up on me bcos of sumone else?
IM AFRAID ! seriously, i cant imagine me without you now!
i dunno what will i become!
i wanted you so much in life.
nvr ever i had this feeling inside me!
baby, you're only one.

50yrs later ,
taking care of each other.
bringing each other go hospital check up.
holdin on still, loving you still.
drinking kopi at kopitiam.
( i think one cup of coffee cost $3 le. LOL)
& helping each other when ever we needs!
i want you th rest of my life.
im going to stick with u nomatter what!

i don care what others are going to think abt me,
abt me being with who & whatsoever!
but what i know, nothing gonna pull us apart!
& nothing goinna make me give up in this relationship ~

BABY I LOVE YOU.
MUACKS

random agnnn

i donno why i jus feeling like crying out!
mayb i jus see things that makes me feel pricky?
or i dunno what i saw?
or i jus imagine too much things.
whatever it is. i will get over it.

f.
do u think i even have th fcuking free time u give u back ur things?
u want i put outside my hus u come take lah hor.
i have nothing to do with u also.


agrh!~ something affects me!
whatever. random!

one more week & im going outlet if deres no delay!!
\agrh! hate it so fucking much!
i don wan new enviroment please!!!!!
i want to end this stupid class & stupid job.

tmr will be at raffles.
& i hate it so much also.
though i cn coma down dere.
but is that fucking teacher again!
nag & nag!!! cannot late! else KILL.
agrh.....

im tired.
sleepyyyyy.
really not enuf sleep lately.
:(

teacher say i have dull skin.
& nowaays have some break out.
i hate it :(


toking on th fone with bb
being random makes bb angry.
agrh ,.im sorry.
but i enjoy my nonsense day with u.
u reeally light me up.
I LOVE YOU MY DEAR!!
muackmuack!!!!

i thought you wud b dere.

as i wasn't feeling well nowadays.
many things happened to me lately.

& im so fucking mad at my dad,
with alots of probs.

yes, im so tiredd.
as i alr said, everything is really pulling me down!
all i hope for is, i tot bb wud b dere cheering me up.
stay wit me as long as she can.
bcos i really need her badly, bcos she's my happy pie.
but at th end of th day, she leaves.
throwing me alone, running far away.
telling myself not to cry anymore.
telling myself to get over it.
tolerating everything alone.
facing probs alone .
when bb is not dere for me.
not lending me a shoulder to lean on.
esp i really need her at this point of time.

this is hurting.
& is veryyyy .
i donno do you care.
i donno will you feel sorry.
i donno are you still mad at me.

i admit, moodswings coming nowadays.
all i hope, is you to understand.

i thought you wud be th one wiping away my tears,
holdin on my hands, telling me not to cry.
treating me like your precious bibi.
but end of th day, i still rmb;
i kissed you on your cheek
& kissed goodbye you, i hug you.
saying byebye , but you?
NO REACTION, you' nvr want to kissed me back.
hug me & everything.

at that point of time, im dying inside.
but i can put on a smile bcos i donwan to get you worried.
i cant take it anylonger.
i ran away....

end of th day, i walked back home alone..
with th same fucking path, we've walked together bfore.
thinking back, why m i alone?

its alr been veryvery long since i walked home alone like this.
& i determind to walk back alone.
many things flask thru my mind.
i want you so badly in my life.
But why? din'nt u notice th way you treated me is really hurtful?
did u notice, you're not showering me with all your little love anymore?
& THAT IS TH TIME WHEN I NEED YOU MOST.
when everything i pulling me down, WHY DIN YOU PULL ME UP?
why did u pull me down again?

im not crying.
i donwant to cry,
i find it so pointless.

i want to cry out loud, like no tmr!
but you're not dere for me.


this is hurting me alot.
thankyou !